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Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. You can see it in the fighting. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! painted_lady Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. WWS. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. So insightful! My parents listened to Oldies. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. lets_be_honest Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. Parent first, friend second. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. Whats ok is to have a balance. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. bittergaymark My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. lets_be_honest I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. Also hi BGM. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. honeybeenicki Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care. No. WOW! July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. meadowphoenix I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. Things like going for ice cream. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. Thinks hes hilarious). I can't even. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. lets_be_honest Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. To care for our two young kids. Mommy and daddy love each other. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. I got a very different vibe from this. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. Older and (hopefully) wiser Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). A: There are two things to consider here. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. 6napkinburger I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. About Us . I think dad is being a bully. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. Unless you are from PA, of course. I agree with you to some extent. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. Really truly. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. But for practical advice: board games. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Roll your eyes!?! July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Plus, I like Rick Castle. "I cant win for losing. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. My dad would also try to do things we liked. And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!! Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. | Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Or find something neutral. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Great suggestion! I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? And so does dad. Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. That was my guess too. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? This part is simple: You must never let them in a vehicle with this man driving. I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? Your email address will not be published. However you come about discovering a new way to be together, it is better to take a chance of doing something different than to let layers of disappointment bury the love you once held sacred. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. So, encourage her to spend time with him. You may not see the rewards right away. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. And he doesnt have to hide that. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Then ice cream after. Just. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). YUCK. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. painted_lady But it isnt you guys against him. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. (Which is fine, I guess. So sad. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Cardinals games and all. painted_lady I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. lets_be_honest We were so thrilled. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. painted_lady She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled.