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Their first child was born 1 year later, during whose babyhood my sister must went through periods of not having enough money in the household. And I know without me he has nothing, but I also resent that fact. I am beginning to rescent him and no longer have any sympathy for his situation. I dont want to work in the job Ive got but I know I cant leave as I have to pay the mortgage and all of the bills we have no savings as every time I get close to being able to put something aside an emergency crops up with our daughter who lives away at university and I have to fly out to her or pay for her flight back to us. If it gives me my life and sanity back Im fine with it.. Ive lived off of peanut butter sandwiches for lunch at work for 3 years now .. this isnt the America I grew up in ,, life really sucks ! In recent years, the pinnacle of motorsports has gained an unlikely audience of new enthusiasts. Thankfully he manages to find something to complain about constantly. Ive asked him to leave repeatedly over the last year but as he has no job, no money,,, to move all his many collected hoarded of stuff out. Hes gaining weight and we have no sex life. Since I quit this particular job, my girlfriend has been continually throwing it in my face how I quit with little to no notice and the fact that the extra money I was making was a nice bonus in spite of the fact how miserable I was and how I already do have a primary job. My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years. Having to quit activities coz u cant spare the money even tho u work like Demon. I am very close with the kids (ages 11 to 16), and take care to prioritize their needs. Although many people might think they dont hold onto stereotypes of what men and women should be doing, its likely that most people do. I work full time, but I cant cover all the bills, so Im struggling to cover what I can. I feel everyones pain- the depression, the sadness, the resentment, the anger- my husband has anger issues, he truly has a lack of self control when it comes to his emotions. I work in retail been with the same place since the store open..im done being the winner. My boyfriend and I have been together for going on 5 years now. If one person works more than the other does that mean the person who works fewer hours has to do more chores? It is about. I know the depression and anxiety that can come from not having a job and the guikt others place on you. She doesn't . He lives there too so he should be contributing to keeping it clean. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Movie is now in Post Production. Ive been there and worse. I also have to consider some laws that require stepparents to always continue to pay child support, even if you divorce the childs biological parent, which can happen if a stepparent ever voluntarily begins to take care of the stepchilds financial needs. She later also sent me every msg he had sent her n gave me great detail of the things he did n would say to her. dont let the rest of us down by lowering your standards for men who wouldnt do jack for you in reverse. Find something, a hobby, volunteer doing something that makes YOU happy and things will start to look better, I promise! I love him so much, I truly feel he is the one but I am just trying my best to power through and be good to him and have as much faith in Gods plan as I can. For the last 2 years my wife has barely worked, and complained so much about the couple of extremely part-time jobs shes found that Ive begged her to quit just so I could stop hearing about it. Its just draining on me. I now see that I was very ill and also isolated because I was hundreds of miles from family and all my friends were still in the fast lane. He insists that he runs an online business, but obviously if there is any truth to this it isnt really doing too well. He swears he meant none of it, but he isnt the type of man to say things on that emotional level unless he means it. He gets mean, depressed, and sometimes seem to have no ambition. five years ago my boyfriend voluntarily quit his 6 figure job in the technical field. Im so tired of this. It all feels super attention seeking and since I can never give him enough attention it just feels pointless. He was unaware, however, of Sandy's underlying method of self-preservation. Luckily, he got called for a city job that he took an exam for in 2014. My boyfriend has had 2 jobs in the year and a half weve been together. "Being in the car for the call is good; if it's bad news it allows me to decompress before I get home, so he doesn't have to see me worry," she said. Doing the Mostis a special series about ambition how we define it, harness it, and conquer it. Your post rings so true for me also ..the light has dimmed and love is damaged by fighting and disrespect. Ive been selling things. She underwent mastectomy in one breast 10 days after diagnosis. It doesnt bother me that hes not working because I know for a fact that he is trying. Are they flexible enough and motivated enough to learn new skills, apply anywhere (including retail positions), and bring themselves out of their unemployment hole? To add insult to injury, he even implied I did it on purpose, to get fired! Like others have said you try and be supportive as much as you can, but sometimes I just want to scream and yell and go and find him a job myself. reading this really brings me down to know how much us breadwinners suffer but yet therapeutic especially when I laugh my azz off as read Sams first-liner. Dear girl, I really believe that he does not like his job status but his actions convey a completely different message to me and I just dont know if our relationship will survive what I have witnessed. Its been two years and Ive been suggesting that maybe he needs to try a different approach vs. just looking online for work but he doesnt do anything. How stressed do you think Ive been huh? you deserve better and you will find it if youre already working. All the time. Married 17 years have 1 child in High School. I want to see the life in her again but every day she slips just that little bit further out of reach and i get hit just a little harder. So fed up and exhausted working full time, cleaning, cooking, driving, taking dogs out, washing and ironing and shopping while he sits all day drinking beer and yet I get treated like its my fault and I should support him!! Of course, he gets cold but because he doesnt pay for the heat thinks nothing of switching it on instead of putting on clothing! The stress is getting to be way too much. I have talked to my husband about how when he gets a new job, I would love to employ a regular house cleaner, but that we need to wait until we have a higher household income. My bills and your bills shouldnt even be part of your vocabulary. You already know your answer. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. I never had a day off with work and household chores. Participate in life, or make everyones life easier and get out. I may just start cleaning houses for a small fee when my child is at school. I dont look at him with love anymore just anger mostly. Im trying to learn acceptance but it aint easy girl. So, no excuses. So spend some time discussing how to resolve this. My boyfriend of two and a half years- has not worked. A wife whose "secondary" job is now a couple's only source . With just my income we are struggling as is, let alone paying rent. My husband has been back at work for 3 yrs. 2. I just need a roof, a way to go and something to eat, while Im here. At least try ,prove to me I do matter in her world and understand I am breakable, This person tells me what a lousy partner I am whenever I suggest she spend some time looking for work or get new training. Can you please respond to me.I need to be in contact with someone going through this as well..I feel so lost and lonely. I feel for all the ladies that are the bread winners as the husbands get to a stage that they just give up as they cannot get work. Tells me Im looking for someone rich. And he resents my (tiny!) In fact, a research study conducted by Dr. Howard Markman who is the co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver showed that men cited nagging as one of the top reasons they got divorced. LOL). I had to finally take a stand and stop. We had a huge fight last night. I have met a lot of people who looked good on paper but in person they were major disappointments and not at all what they had portrayed themselves to be. But her parents said that due to my hearing problem they cant agree to this relationship and fixed her marriage with someone else. The new cars are now sitting in a parking lot in our apartment complex-costing us about $1,000 per month to sit in a parking lot, as I dont need mine to get to work, and he never leaves the house except for an occasional grocery pick up or doctors appointment. It is glad to know that we have a place to share our thought and feel. Since then he blew thru $30,000 in his savings, has had infrequent freelance work, has done several projects for free(cause that will lead him to work) and my father financed $6000 for an invention that never took off /sold. what has been the hardest to watch, is his lack of incentive or ambition, and now his fits of rage and defensiveness about the realities of his situation. but I never gave up we relocated from Minneapolis to Milwaukee, WI where we both spent many years. At the end of day, what way you choose lead to an expected consequence. My heart goes out to you as I know how difficult it is to be the breadwinner and lives with a negative person who whines all the time and blames everyone and the society for everything but never himself. Its sad and pathetic to me. All the while his wife, my sister, worked 40-50 hours per week, to support the family. Ive been insulted and times he tells me that if I would have listened to him on specific ideas we would not be where we are. Im 39 and he is 40 and he might have worked 3 years in total. He was very nice and very attentive to me and always called me beautiful and brought me little gifts. he is not looking for job infact he started full-time college. In an ideal world, your partner would recognize the hot mess your household would be if you werent handling it all. I got well there but the financial crash happened in 2008 and so I couldnt fin work. Grab Now! Get Free Advice Immediately. Thank you for your comment. I work too much. I cant make him do anything. Whats always annoyed me is when outsiders suggest that the person retire or go on disability they wouldnt be dealing with them 24/7/365 for the rest of your lives together you would be. I pay for everything mortgage, car, bills and he doesnt want to claim for benefits because he does not want to stoop that low I though of leaving him or going the easy way of committing suicide. every week almost we gave dined out. We have been together for just over a year and hes been out of work for the entire time. Happy couple talking. I understand his position, which is damaging to his self-esteem. I am worried that I soon wont be able to pay the internet bill. Unlike some of the other comments on her, I know/believe that he is actively looking for work and he doesnt want to be in this situation as much I do. Ive watched him waste his life smoking pot with his well-off friends, first only casually at parties, then daily, and has now included alcoholism. You have done an amazing job of standing by your unemployed persons side despite the mental, physical, andspiritual turmoilthat unemployment puts everyone through. my husband refuses to work.he uses health as an excuse,but he was doing this before! Of course he was so sorry and mortified over what he had done. He didnt try to look for work or plan anything the first year also the same time when our first son was born. It can cause depression. I dont see separating as part of how you take care of the relationship state. He is simply not even trying to find a job, he doesnt want to work. I pray that God will relieve us from the situation and guide us to see how we can love our husbands in this kind of difficult situation. I was the breadwinner since husband hasnt held down a job in the 4 years we have been together. I know I will get flack for this, but I just cant believe what men these days are expecting of their wives. Eventually things came up. ContI made good grades, but I debating on grabbing a certificate. The problem is I never agreed to be the only financial provider. While hes in school hes not working leaving me to be the only bread winner. My boyfriend has never been able to keep a job. The 2 types are : I feel most of the women in this blog complained for their unemployed partner is for : 1. Read on! They realize that you are probably going to feel like Tom Brady hypothetically being rejected by The Cleveland Browns and this is how they want you to feel, shocked, in disbelief and hurt. All this adds to my frustration because I definitly feel like its necessary for me to find work and I cant do a damn thing about it. I asked him the other day to reflect on why is he the first one to be laid off, what is he doing at work to get himself on that list. Im not sure what he does all day. You get the picture. I love him and he says he loves me but I realized and what most of people in my situation must realize is that if the situation hasnt changed in two years its not going to. Life is a combination of good and bad days. Remind yourself that that doesnt need to be the track you follow, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in North Bethesda, Maryland. He was always a good provider and I didnt make as much as him until my current career, where I kind of zoomed ahead and my job became the career with potential. Everything We Know About the University of Idaho Murders. No something have too give. Hes so sick of getting the thanks but no thanks emails, and having recruiters tell him (not kidding here) that hes too old and too overweight for them to even submit his resume to their clients (we live in a very expensive area dominated by younger tech workers). In trying to figure out how to let go of the bitterness, I stumbled upon this site. When he just lost his job, I finished my vacation course and looking for part time and expected he will get some work no matters full time or part time. Weve only been in this state for a little over a year and havent made friends, and his family/friends are 800 miles away and are going through their own insanity and couldnt help him anyway. Must be nice coming home. Trust me, when I say I dont mind to continue to live in a cinder-block house and drive a 90s model junker. Patient through him not getting right on it after he lost his job waiting close to 8 months before starting his search. And you CAN do this. Its so frustrating and scary. Answer (1 of 6): I have an acquaintance who is a "stay st home Dad", while his wife is a physician. to make food during the night right outside my bedroom door. It is all under your control how y think. I am the bread-winner and only make about $55K. Oh yeah, Ive GOT a job but im the one looking in the ads so maybe I can get a better paying job and GET THE HELL out the house. Sometimes I think these type of situations let you know what type of partner You have. I dont know what to do. Honestly, the thing about I realized about people is that most of them dont change, no matter what you do, unless they want to change. I dont want to even be with him in this life anymore. The fact is, though, Covid-19 has taken women's roles back to the 50s . He does a few hour tutor work here and there after I nag him time after time after time. Its 9 months later. Me, be supportive? I was under the impression that marriage was about being a team, sharing interests and living a long, full life of laughter and kisses. I am almost to the end of my rope. Im 25 and my boyfriend of 6 years and I have a 16 month old son. There are certain jobs he wont do, wont supply for minimum wage jobs etc. 15 Signs You're In An Unbalanced Relationship. i hope i do get a job because its unlikely any man would put up with supporting me while i try my hardest to contribute. So I keep asking, what did we, as women really gain? These are prompts, not certainties but please use them as entry points into new ways of thinking about your household. I guess my point is that I am building up resentment, but I feel I cant express it. Money has a way of bringing certain grievances to light. Then there were the next 8 months spent on getting a credential much to the exclusion of an active job search. People get on your nerves and sometimes you just get sick and tired of seeing them, even if they havent said-done anything to you, you simply get fed up with seeing them all of the time. i dont want my mom to get scolding from me because of my dad. Maybe you could stay with family.like your mom until you can get your own place. I worked even although I was ill. DEAR ANONYMOUS 2: You switch assignments to give him things he can't function without. My husband is caring and kind. I see that he is eagerly trying to better himself and perhaps that is why we are still together. We have four children. It felt so incredibly selfish, insensitive, and thoughtless that my entire morning has been spent crying and looking up articles like this one. Change yourself will be much easy. Hes trying and applying to anything that could work. I wish my situation was that easy. Once or twice he has made about $300 in a week and then will have days of no work. I am the idiot who chose this stupid relationship and I will be the smart one to find my way out. The hot topic in marriage therapists offices right now? Just seems like a case of people picking some real winners and somehow feeling as though they are stuck with these people at this point in their lives. Physical pain ensued after my father passed away suddenly at the age of 65. My heart goes out to Ms. Y and people like her. I lost a great-paying job in 2018 and once I saw my unemployment check, took the best job I could as soon as I could and took about a 25% pay cut to take the job. I could go on, but Im sure you all can understand, thanks for letting me rant!! On the great days, examine what makes them great and conceptualize approaches to keep up positive energy, hitting the sack at a sensible hour, rising together, morning exercise, supplication time, and so forth. In the process of letting go, mistakes will be made but theyll also be learned from. Not one of us is promised another day. I am very sad and dont know what to do with him. My bf is 26 and no degree and no job. When he brings up my mental health I just retreat and cry. Since he was paroled, he hasnt been able to keep a job because of his record. I just dont think life is supposed to be so frusterating. When I was not working, I was doing all the housework. He has so much STUFF. Are you also working? Women do more than twice as much unpaid care and domestic work as men do, according to the United Nations.. So spend some time discussing how to resolve this. As far as I can tell he spends his days playing computer games. We have been in a relationship since 2011 (4years) and now I think I am tired of trying to get a better future with him. This isnt acceptable. Terms under which this service is provided to you, California - Do Not Sell My Personal Information. I feel soo angry. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. Plan activities that will help let off steam. I could have boosted my business with that money and doubled it even more. See, she blames herself as much as his parents. He does do the housework and cook but its only the two of us in a one bed flat. It is lonely and very isolating and sole destroying. Hes amazing with me- caring- loving- sweet but his dark side is scary. He will go and do medical studies, which i suggest that you guys suggest to your husbands to do. Make a clear, specific request about exactly what you want or need. He had a great job for 12 years and then the company moved. Then was laid of from his job and the drinking slowly began again & this time came back worse then ever! If you find that you argue a lot about chores or are growing angry and resentful toward your spouse, make sure to seek help. Either keep it in the bank, or hidden in a safe place at home where he wont find it.